#12 “But If Not”

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To start from the beginning, go here

My next appointment with Dr. John was 2 weeks away. I was getting excited and anxious for it. Before we left the last appointment we discussed the probability of receiving high dose IV vitamin C, since that is Dr. Huber’s treatment of choice. Dr. John confirmed that he offered that method of treatment as well as ozone therapy. He explained that the vitamin C interacts with copper and iron in the blood to form hydrogen peroxide. Normal cells have the enzyme, catalase, to break down the pro-oxidant. However, cancer cells are low in catalase and are susceptible to the damaging effects of the hydrogen peroxide and their cell membranes are lysed. So the vitamin C is selectively toxic to only cancer cells. It’s a natural chemotherapy. But these effects can only be achieved through high doses of vitamin C—higher than one can achieve through oral administration.  The body can tolerate up to 10 grams of vitamin C before one starts having side effects of diarrhea. (I know, bathroom talk again.) But with IV administration, I would slowly build up to 100 gm per treatment.

Before I left my first appointment, Dr. John gave me a list of supplements that I should start taking. The list included taking as much oral vitamin C as I could tolerate, milk thistle, curcumin, and a goal of 20-40mg of melatonin per day with the instruction to also continue my vegan diet and avoid fish due to their heavy metal content that inhibit the immune system. When we got home we started ordering the supplements on Amazon. I was committed to trying anything and everything to cure this cancer naturally.

As word of my situation gradually was passed around, friends and family approached me with various treatments that worked for someone they knew, or a friend of a friend heard worked for someone that knew someone. I was told of special clinical trials for chemotherapy; Cancer Treatment Centers of America; the Burzynski Clinic in Texas with his antineoplaston therapy. It was a lot of information and sometimes annoying. But I did realize that each person who shared these ideas with me did so out of kindness and concern for me. One day at church, a lady whom I had become acquainted with over the years approached me. She expressed her condolences with my current predicament and offered me a packet of papers that she explained provided some helpful information that could help me in my quest to cure myself. After I got home I began to read the information. It was a premise that cancer is caused by parasites. I rolled my eyes, but continued to read. It contained certain proofs and anecdotal evidence that a certain product, black walnut wormwood extract, kills the parasites and thus, cures cancer. Later that day she brought some over. Although I had serious doubts about the effectiveness of the product, I decided it couldn’t hurt and put a few drops in my mouth. Wow, was it nasty! Subsequently, I added a drop or two to juices, but it just made the juices taste nasty.  I did use it, but not very often.

During this time I received a Facebook message from a cousin who had had her own cancer scare about a year and a half earlier. She offered her prayers and passed on some comforting advice she received from someone close to her. She referenced a conference talk by Lance B Wickman in the October 2002 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As I read it, the tears trickled down my face. It didn’t provide the comfort of knowing that everything would be all right that I was expecting it to do. It was a lesson on faith. Elder Wickman states, “Faith is, quite simply, a confidence in the Lord.” He explains that we don’t understand why God allows things to happen the way they do. We just need to trust that God loves us and wants what is best for us. He quotes Isaiah 59:9 which says, “My ways [are] higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Elder Wickman goes on to tell the story of his five-year-old son that contracted an illness and became comatose. While his son was in this state, Elder Wickman gave him a priesthood blessing and many prayers were said in his behalf. His son made no improvement over the next few days despite the constant prayers. Elder Wickman explains what happened next:

Finally, one morning after a fitful night, I walked alone down a deserted hospital corridor. I spoke to the Lord and told Him that we wanted our little boy to return so very much, but nevertheless what we wanted most was for His will to be done and that we—Pat and I—would accept that. Adam crossed into the eternities a short time later.

Lance B. Wickman,”But If Not,” Ensign, Nov. 2002

This talk, and this story in particular, hit me hard. I had not fully trusted that the Lord knew what was best for me, whether it was what I wanted or not. I realized that perhaps I wasn’t supposed to survive–that maybe the Lord intended for me to succumb to the cancer. I also realized that if that were true, He also would provide a way for my husband and children to survive and even benefit spiritually from it. This epiphany was hard to digest, but it calmed my heart at the same time. It was a turning point in my perception of this trial. From that moment, I had faith that the Lord would make this experience for my good, even if it wasn’t how I hoped it would turn out. I knew that everything would be okay.

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